Reflections On The Year Gone By

I am the type of person who likes to share the good and I don't often dwell on the past or share feelings of sorrow. As Noah's first birthday draws upon me I do find myself looking back and thinking of what I was doing. Blissfully unaware of what was to come. Writing this Blog has become a way that I can share my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Sometimes it helps to just get it out. Thanks for listening :)

This time last year the early signs of labor had started and I was enjoying a home cooked meal my husband made :) Excited and nervous with anticipation to meet our little 'Baby Reed'. It feels like a lifetime ago but it too sadly feels like no time at all has passed, as we have been stuck in a sort of 'limbo'. With Noah not really progressing at all and starting to show more signs of the outcome of his birth injury. Not knowing if the latest temperature, infection or respiratory trouble could send us down another path.

I guess in the course of life things happen to us that are not of our choosing. There are times when we are not sure where to go from here...or what to do. Sometimes the news we receive can change everything so completely. The world around us seems to go on without realizing how much our hearts can be breaking...and without taking into account how helpless we suddenly feel. Life has a way of teaching us lessons we didn't necessarily want to learn...and giving us tests we never planned to take.

And what a test the past year has been. I have come to realise that the things in life that can bring you the most joy can also, on the other hand, bring you the most agonising heartbreaking pain. It's just the way it is in life. There are no immediate answers to the "whys", that we ask ourselves when trying to deal with this type of tragedy. "Why did this happen"? "Why Me"? And even if there were maybe we wouldn't understand them.

In the past year I have learnt that I can be amazingly strong, that I have a whole other area of myself that I can love with, I guess I'd call it unconditional love. I have always believed that a person is more than their body. That they are a spirit or soul or whatever you may call it. Noah's body may be broken but his spirit is so strong and it shines through. It has taken me a while to look past what I can see and the "complexities" of Noah. And I think because there was a high possibility that Noah wouldn't make it to a year I couldn't let myself love him too much. But somewhere along the way that changed and although I may still lose him I am not living as if  "today could be the day". I am taking each day as it comes, which has got to be the single most simplest and best piece of advice I have taken on. Some days are good, some are bad and some I just feel utterly destroyed. But each day is a new day and I am learning that it is not what happens in that day that I can necessarily control or choose, but I can choose how I react. And I choose to focus on the positive and be brave and determined and live and laugh and take one day at a time.

I have come to realise that the man who is my husband is so much more amazing than I could have ever thought was possible. Strong, understanding, encouraging, tender, compassionate, selfless are just some of the words I could use to describe what a truly wonderful person Aaron is, and has always been my best friend and never has that been more needed than in this past year.

Well its now about the time exactly when 1 year ago our lives were changed forever.

Happy 1st Birthday Noah, we will face a new day with you with love,courage and admiration xoxo